Domestic abuse: How do I know if I’m in an abusive relationship?

Domestic abuse is still widely misunderstood. For many people, abuse in a relationship is typified by physical abuse – punching, attacking, biting or kicking to name a few.

But this is only part of what constitutes domestic abuse. 

The 2021 Domestic Abuse Act changed what is considered domestic abuse and recent proposals to change domestic abuse law mean that coercive and controlling behaviour could soon be considered as equally harmful as physical violence.

Spotting the signs of an abusive relationship can be incredibly hard if you’re the victim and even harder to remove yourself from once you’ve recognised it. 

Am I in an abusive relationship?

Domestic abuse is where someone gains power or control over you through patterns of behaviour. While you might think that abuse would be apparent from the beginning of a relationship, it can appear many years after you are involved or even after you’ve split up from your partner. 

Recognising what domestic abuse looks like is important to help you understand if it’s happening to you.

Abuse in a relationship can look like:

• Coercive control – isolating you from people you are close to, monitoring your time and your whereabouts, controlling your money or denying you access to it and using guilt to get you to do things you don’t want to 
• Emotional abuse – maybe you are constantly criticised or bombarded with negative comments about yourself, consistently having your choices undermined or being told certain things have happened when you know they haven’t (gaslighting). Verbal threats and intimidation are common.
• Stalking and harassment – do they follow you to work? Wait outside your home? Are you being tracked? Harassment can also happen via social media or phone. If you feel edgy, or that you can’t do anything without being monitored then this is abuse.
• Physical abuse – any physical contact that harms you is physical abuse. Even small instances like biting, or pinching. If they’re unwanted and harmful, then it’s abusive.
• Sexual abuse – rape, sexual assault, or being forced to take part in acts you aren’t comfortable with.
• Religious abuse – being banned from talking to people outside of your religion, arranged marriages that you have not consented to, being stopped from wearing certain clothes or having your freedoms restricted in the name of religion.
• Female Genital Mutilation – being forced to have your external female genitalia removed for non-medical reasons.

Even if you feel like what you’re experiencing is trivial, it’s important to know what you can do to get help.

How do I leave an abusive relationship? 

Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult. Abusers can resort to a range of tactics to stop you from leaving, from flattery, presents and promises to change, to threats, violence and blackmail.

Contacting the police can feel like a step too far and whether or not you leave is ultimately up to you.

If you want to contact the police to report domestic abuse you can report it online. If you don’t feel safe and are in immediate danger, always call 999. If you’re unable to speak on the call then the operator can prompt you to enter 55 which is a signal that you need urgent help and are unable to speak. This is only on a mobile and you must stay connected on the call. Don’t hang up.

For many people, leaving is a process that is done over a number of years. If you’re considering leaving then there are some things you can do to help you leave – even if this might be months or years down the line.

• Keep a record – write down incidents that happen so you have a timeline of abuse. This can be helpful for evidence in the future, but it can also help you to spot behaviour patterns that help you to leave. Often, it can be hard to see patterns inside of the relationship, so putting it down on paper (or notes on your phone) can be hugely helpful. Make sure you have a safe and confidential space to leave your record. If your privacy is limited, consider how you can keep your record private and safe.
• Include anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Remember that domestic abuse isn’t just physical, it can be psychological and coercive. Trust your instincts and write down anything that you feel isn’t right.
• Keep evidence if you have it – any videos, voice notes, text messages or letters can be helpful in getting a prosecution if you want to report the abuse to the police. Evidence isn’t essential in helping you leave an abusive relationship (read our blog on non-molestation orders for more information) but it can be helpful to bring criminal proceedings against your abuser.
• Get legal advice –  legal advice can be sought at any time, and we won’t inform your partner or ex-partner. Even if you are unsure about leaving, but you want to know what your options are, then getting advice is incredibly important. 
• Seek support – getting support from counsellors and domestic abuse charities can be helpful for coping during a difficult time. If you have family and friends who are supportive, reach out to them for help. Identify any local refuges that you could go to if you needed to leave immediately and keep an emergency bag packed in a safe place.
• Apply for a non-molestation order and/or an occupation order. A non-molestation order can help you to leave by banning your abuser from contacting you, threatening you or harassing you. If they do, they can be arrested. An occupation order can force your partner to leave your home, helping ensure your safety and the safety of your children if you have them.

If you think you’re in an abusive relationship and you need help to leave, then contact our family law experts confidentially on 0333 344 6302 or email info@blanchardslaw.co.uk.